Embracing the Mess

I often get frustrated, now that I am printing, about being a messy artist. In the past this wasn’t such an issue but now that I need precision and clean hands between prints it’s a point of contention. My prints come out with smears, spotty layers and often finger prints here and there. I focus on my technique but I just can’t seem to manage to keep things tidy. 

Anyone who knows me would tell you that I am a pretty tidy and organize person. My house is typically clean and organized. Things will go array when I am deep in a project but I am quick to return to equilibrium. When I return from a trip my bag is put away, clothes are in the wash and everything is back in it’s place within the hour. “Anal retentive” has been thrown around about me now and then as well as type A++. 

My job as a flight paramedic requires a large amount of this “retention”. Patient’s have lines, wires and devices coming off of them in various directions and if you are not careful it turns into a disorganized weave. In the helicopter everything has a place and can’t wander too far; partially because of the size but also because items must be found quickly when needed. I could go pocket by pocket of my flight suit, it has many, rattling off where everything is located as well as it’s current par levels. I know that the above may sound a bit crazy to some but when you need something for a critical patient, you don’t want to go searching about for it.  

My studio is not exempt. I can not start a project without first organizing and cleaning from the last. It’s about emptying the trash, sweeping, dusting and returning the space to “order”. When painting, my palette will be stripped of previous blends and a hearty brush cleaning will ensue. Recently the studio had a complete make over, with some assistance, to make it feel comfy and cozy. All of this to say that space needs to be free of mess and well ordered to really let my mind wander creatively. 

The only time that I really become a hot mess is when I am deep in creation. When I get into painting, really into painting, I tend to use my legs and arms to lighten up the paint load on my brush. Paint spots can be found on almost all surfaces in my studio. Every single piece of clothing I own, that has made it through the wash once, has paint or ink on it somewhere. I let myself go and don’t think about my physical self; it’s disembodied bliss. 

This mess does’t stop with just painting or even with art. When I am cooking you only need to look on the floor to see what was chopped or which spices were used. Drawing is the same issue as painting, there isn’t a digit that is free from the lead or ink. It’s always been a thing even to the point that I can still hear my mother telling me to “change out of my nice clothes” prior to any creative endeavor. 

This brings me back to my latest obsession of linocut. I absolutely love the planning, drawing and carving of a new project but when it comes to printing I wince. I know part of this issue is that I am just learning and these things take time to perfect. It’s only been about a year and a half of working with linocut and I am just now getting into larger pieces as well as registering (the process of printing multiple colors on the same work and ensuring they line up). Every piece I have completed has at least one imperfections, misprints and smudge. 

I also know that part of the issue is comparison to others. There are so many amazing linocut and printmaking artist out there doing awe inspiring work. They have beautiful home presses and precise ways of registering their work. The process these artist use seem perfect and seamless in their gorgeous, sun lit studios. Their hands are clean at the end of the project and everything is lined up perfectly. I have to remind myself that I am only seeing what they put out there in the world and that content was probably edited a bit. 

With that in mind and with my desire to be an authentic human, through and through, I am attempting to change my language and framing around this thinking. Like the little bit of gold filling a crack in a piece of damaged pottery, I want to show the beauty of my flaws. I started by using a linocut of my thumb print as part of my signature; a fantastic suggestion from a brilliant fellow queer artist. The thing that makes it art is that it’s done by a human with all their imperfections. This is just part of who I am as a person and an artist.

I want to be the messy human that is living loud and doesn’t concern themselves with perfection. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I am trying to be the most ME that I can be. I am out and about with messy hair, paint on my clothes, loudly singing with the windows down and dancing freely. I will continue to be covered in ink by the end of printing and marker after carving. When you purchase a piece from me you will likely find a mistake and possibly a finger print here and there because I am an imperfect, lovely mess of a human.