Seeing My Own Truth

“focus on what I want, feel, love and desire.”

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In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been putting a lot of energy into my art lately. A reinvestment in myself and my work has been occurring for a bit now and what started as a drizzle is now a downpour. The work and life I’ve been creating is some of the most beautiful I have produced. It didn’t happen by accident and has been many years in the making. 

There’s never been a time in my life that I haven’t been producing some form of creative work. Art has always been an easy and meaningful gift for loved ones. Occasionally someone wanted a very specific piece in their home; case in point I once painted a large pear for a kitchen. Mind you, I enjoyed doing this work but not much of it was “on purpose”. 

For most of my life, I have treated my artistic ability as a bid for connection and a confirmation I was lovable. Early in my life I was praised for my artwork while all other aspects of my being were minimized and often ridiculed. I could not connect at home through any other means since I wasn’t female enough, skinny enough or smart enough. Art was the one place I could find admiration and love for my skill and work.

This spread into other parts of my life as I ventured out into the world. In school, I couldn’t focus and my grades suffered but my teachers praised my creative abilities. I often made little drawings for peers hoping that their attention and admiration for my work would transfer over to me. These childish pleas for connection were just that, pleading.  This tactic was minimally successful, met with just enough approval to trigger a reward system. 

This pattern continued throughout my life, I had no value unless I was producing for others. If I could not do for you, why would you want to spend time with me? Sometimes this was in the form of art and other times it was completing various tasks; I have remodeled many houses for “friends.” All of this set me up to seek approval outside my own heart and came with much disappointment since that love I desired never really came to me through acts. This left me with an ache and the knowledge that something had to change but what?

The first thing that really started to change for me was seeing myself as a decent human. Notice, I didn’t start out thinking I was a good person or lovable; those extremes took some doing and continue to be hard to hold. It started as a spark of an idea that I am, as humans go, pretty decent. That idea continued to grow into a belief that I may actually have value in just being and not for the services I provide. 

The side effect of this thinking was that I didn’t need to hustle for my worthiness or love. If all of my actions aren’t in service of reaching for another or receiving validation, then I can focus on what I want, feel, love and desire. Thinking about others opinions, actions and attempting to read others minds takes a lot of time and emotional energy. Once that was gone or less, I was open and free to just be. 

This has been showing up in so many ways. Art, being the obvious point of this writing but it has spilled out into other things as well.  But it has spilled over into clothing, freedom in self expression and letting go of perfection. I have returned to myself by dancing in the kitchen, laughing loudly and being open with my life.

Confidence is an amazing thing as it opens up doors and opportunities. I have met some amazing people this year because I had the confidence to reach out and ask a stranger to connect (which you can see in my zine How to Make Friends as an Adult). I find myself rejecting my old impulse to request validation for my art, my clothes and action ie “do these jeans make my butt look big.” I live, create and act in a way that feels good to me. 

All of this brings me back to my artistic abundance. Not seeking acceptance and hustling so hard for love, then I have time to do what I want, what I feel and I desire. When I am not working on something for others, I can make for me and what makes my heart sing. The most beautiful thing about this is that everyone benefits. I am not trying to meet a need I think you have and you are getting to see my truth. In this I have created a new positive feedback loop; I am fulfilling myself which makes me crave further creation that makes my soul happy.